Pirate & Nautical Jokes

Pirate Jokes

Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.

What's a pirate's favourite letter? You'd think it's R, but it's actually the C.

How much did the pirate pay for his earrings? About a buccaneer.

Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was standing on the deck.

What do you call a pirate who skips class? Captain Hooky.

Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they'll just wash up on shore later.

What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes? 8 pirates.

How do pirates know they exist? They think, therefore they arrr.

What do pirates wear in the winter? Long Johns Silver.

What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing — it just waved.

Why did the pirate go to school? To improve his arrrticulation.

What's a pirate's least favourite vegetable? Leeks.

Where do pirates go for a drink? The sandbar.

What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands, and two legs? A beginner.

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they just arrr.

What exercise do pirates do at the gym? The plank.

What's a pirate's favourite country? Arrrgentina.

Why did the pirate buy an eye patch? Because he couldn't afford an iPad.

What do you call a pirate's hairstyle? A crew cut.

How did the pirate get his ship so cheaply? It was on sail.

What grades did the pirate get in school? High Cs.

What's a pirate's favourite type of music? Arrr and B.

Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate? Because he was standing on the deck... and he always had a hook up his sleeve.

What shivers at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.

Sailor Jokes

A sailor walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his belt. The bartender says, "Hey, you know you've got a wheel on your belt?" The sailor replies, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

What do you call a boat that refuses to move? A reluctant vessel — it just can't seem to leave the dock. Actually, you call it a relation-ship that's going nowhere.

Why did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below C level.

A novice crew member asks the skipper, "What do I do if a storm comes?" The skipper says, "Face into the wind and hold on." The crew member asks, "And if that doesn't work?" The skipper replies, "Face into the wind and pray."

What's the difference between a sailor and a fisherman? A sailor goes out to sea and thinks about fish. A fisherman goes fishing and thinks about the sea.

Why do sailors eat so little when they're at sea? Because they're always on a strict diet of port and starboard.

How does a sailor say hello? They wave.

What happened when the red ship and the blue ship collided? The crews were marooned.

Nautical Puns & One-Liners

I'm reading a book about the history of anchors. I just can't put it down.

My boat's name is "Unsinkable II." Don't ask about Unsinkable I.

I used to hate sailing, but I've come around to it. Several times, in fact — my tacking needs work.

I told my wife I bought a sailboat. She said, "Can we afford it?" I said, "Of course — it was a sail!"

The problem with sailing puns is that they always go overboard.

I started a sailing club for beginners. So far, it's been a slow boat to China.

My GPS died mid-passage. I'm not lost — I'm on an unplanned voyage of discovery.

What do you call a group of singing sailors? A barber-shop quartet... on the poop deck.

You can always spot a sailor at a party. They're the ones who can't stop talking about the wind.

I named my dinghy "Procrastination." It'll get me there eventually.

Knock-Knock Jokes — Sea Edition

Knock knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Car go beep beep, but boat go toot toot.

Knock knock. Who's there? Sailor. Sailor who? Sailor door shut, it's cold out here on the foredeck!

Knock knock. Who's there? Water. Water who? Water you doing on my boat without permission?

Knock knock. Who's there? Anchor. Anchor who? Anchor-ious to get going — the tide's turning!

Knock knock. Who's there? Mast. Mast who? Mast you always interrupt my sailing?

Knock knock. Who's there? Bow. Bow who? Bow-dy do, skipper!

You Might Be a Sailor If...

You own more foul-weather gear than formal wear.

You refer to the kitchen as the galley, the bathroom as the head, and the living room as the saloon — and your family has stopped correcting you.

Your idea of a relaxing weekend involves waking up at 5 AM, getting soaking wet, and eating cold sandwiches while heeled at 30 degrees.

You've used the phrase "that's not a real knot" in a heated argument.

You've explained the racing rules of sailing to someone who asked a simple question about boats, and they visibly regretted asking.

Your car has more marine hardware catalogues in it than a chandlery.

You judge all rope by how well it cleats.

You've said "we need more boat" at least once.

You've ever argued about which way is "port" in a car park.